Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 15
You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won't fight for it.
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue. salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys.. very pleasant, holding it in his mouth. He thinks...this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, 'Good God!!! What do you call that drink?'
She smiles at him and says,......... 'Blow Job Revenge'.....
Driving to the office this morning on the M4 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Fucking Women Drivers!!!!!!!
A man walks into a bar, orders a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. Barman pulls the pint, gives him the crisps. The man downs the beer, puts the crisps on his head and walks out the bar. The barman thinks it's a little strange but shrugs it off.
Next day, same man comes to the bar. Orders a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The barman pulls the pint, gives the guy his crisps. Once again, the man downs the beer, puts the crisps on his head and walks out the bar. The barman by this time is wondering what's wrong with the guy.
So, next day the same man comes into the bar and orders a pint of beer and some crisps. The barman said "We don't have any crisps" so the guy settles for peanuts instead. So, he downs the pint, puts the nuts on his head and turns to go, but the barman stops him, and says:
"Look, I gotta ask, why did you put those peanuts on your head?"
So the guy replies, "Because you don't have any crisps."
Little Johnny is in class. The teacher poses a riddle:
"If there are 3 pigeons on a wall and I shoot one of them, how many are left?"
So Little Johnny puts his hand up. "Yes, Johnny?"
"There would be none left, miss," he answers.
"Really? How do you figure that, Johnny?" the teacher says.
"Because the sound of the gunshot would scare the others away."
"Well, the answer was 2, but I like your thinking, Johnny."
So Johnny says, "I have a riddle for you, miss. There are three girls on a bench, each one has a lollipop. The first girl is sucking hers, the second girl is licking hers, and the third one has it right down her throat. Which one is married?"
So the teacher mulls this over for a moment. "Um...is it the one with it right down her throat?"
"No, miss, it's the one with the wedding ring - but I like your thinking!"
A man went into in to a clock repairers renowned for its drop dead gorgeous woman assistant. He walked up to the assistant and slapped his todger down on the counter.
The assistant took one look at his prick and said, "Excuse me sir but this is a clock repairers not a cock repairers."
"I know," he replied, "but I want two hands and a face on this right away!!"
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'
The latest poll taken by the UK yielded results on whether or not people who live in UK think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
a) 39% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
b) 61% of the respondents answered: "Nie, to nie stanowi powazny."
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless cunts at B & Q ever bring us the fucking plasterboard"
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said , 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?
' Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34!! A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."
One night a policewoman pulled me over suspecting me of being a drunk driver.
"Anything you say can and will be used against you," she barked.
So I looked at her and said, "Breasts."
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals.
They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. They stand and watch him for half an hour.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."
Me and my wife have invented a new sex position
it's called "the plumbers" position.
You stay in all day, and nobody comes
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.'
Bloody good value that!