Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 14
9 Apr 09
A primary school teacher notices that one of her pupils has a pool of urine around her chair. "Lucy, why didn't you put your hand up?"
"I did miss, but it trickled between my fingers."
I was walking down the street and i saw a man with a 10 foot pole on his shoulder
I approached him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter"
He replied "No I'm German but how did you know i was called Walter?"
What do you call a bird with long legs that can't fly?
....Naomi Campbell
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never" replies Dave
"Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."
A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in
a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face.
Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly
phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches
the nun and tells "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I
love you. Can we get together some time?"
The nun leaves the bus in a huff.
Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy
if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes,
explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver
says: "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do
you a favour. Did you see where she got off? There's a little park there, and
every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and
maybe....."
The guy thanks him and leaves.
Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little nun in a secluded
spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes
later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns.
The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every
couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun
says that she'd love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the
back door be OK?
He says fine, and they commence their activities.
A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says,
panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm
actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday.
The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the
bus driver."
Rooster and cat going over a bridge,
The cat slips and falls into the river,
The rooster cant stop laughing
Moral of the story:
Where there is a wet pussy there's a happy cock,
An old man goes into a chemist to buy Viagra, "can i
have six tablets cut into quarters"
I can cut them for you says the chemist but a quarter tablet wont give you a
full erection.
I am 96 said the old man i don't want an erection i just want it sticking out
far enough so i don't piss on my slippers.
8 things girls SHOULD say to guys
1) I'm bored lets shave my fanny
2) Are you sure you have had enough to drink?
3) That fart was great do another
4) Of course i swallow, i love it
5) No that's ok, You drink beer and watch porn, I'll do the washing up
6) Just for a change put it in my arse
7) How about you get that girl from work to join us
8) Marriage no way!!!
Sadly, Carlsberg don't do Girlfriends......
Anyway this chap goes into the dentists surgery with bad toothache. After examining him the dentist says that tooth will have to come out it's beyond repair, what kind of anaesthetic would you like?
"What have you got"?
"Gas or Novocain"
"Gas"
"I'll just put this mask over your mouth and it'll be over before you know it"
"No No, I'm claustrophobic the mask will make me sick"
" I'll just inject you then, you'll be conscious but won't feel a thing"
"No, No, I hate needles the thought makes me sick".
"Well how about a tablet then"?
"OK"
As he swallows the pill he notices the packet says Viagra.
"I didn't know Viagra was an anaesthetic"
"It isn't but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull the tooth"
I was walking through the red light district tonight when a prossie approached me and said "I can do things you can't get your wife to do".
So I said "Fuck off then"
The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it.
To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.
Last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips.
Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.
That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask.
He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."
The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."
The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?'
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter
came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the
father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and
told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter
jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
Girls:
If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...
He's just not very good at predictive text.
Woman and a man in a car, halfway up a 1 in 4 hill the car splutters to a halt "Shall we get out and push it up?" asked the man.
"That's a good idea," she replied "but will it be alright to leave the car here?"
Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.
Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."
DEEP THOUGHTS:
1. Life is sexually transmitted.
2. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
7. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
8. Lead me not into temptation (I can find my own way).
9. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
10. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
11. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
12. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
13. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
14. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
15. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
16. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
17. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
18. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
19. Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
20. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
21. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
22. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
23. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
24. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
25. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
26. Is there another word for synonym?
27. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
28. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
29. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
30. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
31. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
32. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
33. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
34. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
35. If a mime artist is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
36. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
37. Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?
38. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
39. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clown because they taste funny?
40. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?