Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 13
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. It's easy being a soap dodger
3. You get to eat shitty little things like snails and frog's legs
4. You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons far away from your own doorstep
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. If there's a war you can surrender really early
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in a hole
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're crap
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you've got a driver's licence you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can be Irish and American at the same time
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse yanks with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. Puts you in with a chance of bedding Lady Di
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh,
11. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Sweating tenors
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
1. You can be mistaken for a Mexican all over North America
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Hard to get the women into bed without marrying them ...
7. ... and twice as hard still if you're not a Catholic
8. In fact, the only sure way is to dress up in silly too-tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
9. You get to eat bulls' testicles
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
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10.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. The Guinness is great
2. The crack is great
3. You won't get in a crack unless you marry them
4. You can't have sex with a condom on
5. Thus you must have sex without one on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up
8. The stew is great
9. The Murphy's is great
10. Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Liberal is not a dirty word.
8. The CBC
9. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
10. Cheap medicare, no guns, ethnic diversity and harmony, good and cheap universities, etc ........
Man gets home from work, tells his wife, 'get me a beer before it starts'.
He drinks it, then says 'Get me another beer before it starts'.
He drinks it then says, 'Quick, get me another beer before it starts"
She says.. 'Listen here you fat lazy twat, you walk
in, sit down and start barking orders'...
He says, 'fuck me, its started'!
It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040 the elderly will all have perky tattooed tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why...
What's the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your Salary - It comes once a month, lasts between 5 and 7 days and if it doesn't come your fucked!
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
In case of fire please read . . . . Not now Stupid wait 'till there's a fire!
What's the difference between a labia and George Bush.
A labia is a bit of a twat whereas George Bush is a complete cunt
What does WIFE stand for?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, etc.
I had an uncle who was jailed for his beliefs.
He believed he could masturbate on the bus
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."