Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 11
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'
The next thing I heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's truncheon?
You use one of them for cunning stunts!!
Minding his own business one day, Jesus was approached by the angel Gabriel.....who said...
"My Lord Jesus, our Father has decreed that the time has come for the second coming, you'll have to go back to the land of the living"......
After a few moments of deep thought, Jesus replied...
"Bollocks to that, mate: the last time I did a job like that I got hammered with Tacks!"
A teenage girl confesses to her mum:
"Mum I'm pregnant"
"What? What did i warn you about sex?"
"You told me to take measures.
Well that's what i did.
I took measures and went with the biggest!"
Two guys are out hunting bears when one of them is attacked and killed by a huge Grizzly.
When his mate has got over the shock he manages to phone the park rangers medical service on his mobile phone.
"I think my pal's been killed by a bear, What shall I do?" he screams.
"Well sir" says the medic "the first thing to do is make sure he's dead"
The phone goes quiet for about 5 seconds then there is a huge bang. After another few seconds the hunter is back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"
Jake, an older fellow, joins a nudist colony. At the reception, he paid the reception clerk $500 joining fee. The clerk tells Jake 'strip off, put your clothes in your locker, and go through that door and have a look round'.
Jake strips and walks through the door, and as he approaches a very beautiful woman, he gets an instant erection.
'Did you call me'? The woman said.
'No' Jake replied.
She looks at his erection and said 'Around here when a man gets an erection near a woman we say he called her'. With that she grabs his cock and drags him to the nearest bed and fucks his brains out. When Jake recovers a little he enters the showers and as he is washing his cock and balls he lets out a very loud fart. A huge man enters the shower with an enormous erection, 'Did you call me'? He said.
'NO, NO, NO'! said Jake.
'Well around here' the huge man said 'When a man farts near another man we say he has called him'. With that the huge man bends Jake over the towel rail and fucks his ass hard and rough.
Jake storms off to reception and yells at the reception clerk 'YOU CAN KEEP THE $500, I AM OFF, NEVER TO RETURN'!
'But Jake' answered the reception clerk 'You only just got here, you haven't experienced the colony yet'.
'I have experienced enough' Jake replied.
'I am 66 years old,
I get an erection only once a month,
but I fart at least 40 times a day'.
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
