Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 10
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f__king white man to be called Winston!'
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f__k off you tosser'
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'F__king hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.#
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'
Cher walks into a bar following her latest (and hopefully last) facelift, and orders a Vodka on the Rocks.
"Who's that then?" a regular customer asks the barman?
"Who d'you mean?" says the barman,
"The Bird with cleft chin and the beard!"
One night i managed to make love for an hour and five minutes.
It was when they put the clocks forward.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room he hears his friend shouting out cries of... 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!' 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!' 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!'...all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'
The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing, I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing?
'I couldn't even get on the bed.'
LONELY HEARTS ADS - WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN:
Adventurous:- Likes anal.
Athletic:- no tits.
30 Something:- 41.
Fun:- Annoying.
Wild:- Gets pissed easily.
Beautiful eyes:- face like a robbers dog.
Seeks knight in shining armour:- Husband has run off with younger model.
New age:- Hairy with a smelly fanny.
Headstrong:- Argumentative.
Enjoys pubbing and clubbing:- Alcoholic.
Curvy:- Fat cunt.
Cuddly:- Fat cunt.
Likes eating out:- Lazy fat cunt.
As a sop to the Muslim community, weather forecasts have been Islamified.
From now on it will either Sunni or Shiite
What does a catholic priest have in common with a pint of Guinness?
Black coat, white collar & you need to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "get this out of me, give me the drugs."
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "you did this to me you fucker."
He replies casually, "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said fuck off it'll be too painful."
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion six foot tall.. ..... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate",
"but......" stammers the driver,
"Now...or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" says the highlander "Do it again!"
"but....." says the driver.
"Now...." So the driver does it again.
"Right do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours.
The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."
Theres a new Belgium lager on the market exclusively for women, its called Fellas Artwats
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
How to clean your toilet ...
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and stroke him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog