Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 9
Coast Guard cutbacks
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Teacher: 'Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, 'Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.'
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said, 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?''
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher, looking round, picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: 'Yes, Jeremy.'
Jeremy (in a very English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy in his inauguration speech in 1960.'
Teacher: 'Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we'll see you back in class on Tuesday.'
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.
Teacher: 'Who said, 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea, but we will never surrender?''
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting, 'I know. I know! Me Miss, me Miss!' Teacher looks round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: 'Yes Timothy.'
Timothy (in a very, very posh English accent): 'The answer is Winston Churchill in his 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'
Teacher: 'Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?''
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, 'Miss, me miss, meeeeee!' Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert: 'Yes Rupert.'
Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): 'Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969 on the first moon landing.'
Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday..'
Wee Jock now loses the plot altogether, tips his desk upside down and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'Fur f***s sake, WHERE did all these English B******S come from?'
Teacher, looking round the class: 'Who said that?'
Wee Jock, grabbing his coat and bag and heading for the door, 'Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fookin Tuesday!!'
I had my work appraisal yesterday.
The boss said that "there is no I in team"
to which I replied
"but there is a U in cunt."
An Irishman is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him;
"Hey," she says "d'ya fancy a bit of this?"
She lifts up her skirt revealing crotchless knickers and fanny.
"Fuck that!" says Paddy, "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"
I always try and chat up girls who have tattoos.
I figure I have a better chance with the sort of girl who's prepared to make decisions she may regret later.
Was in town earlier and I bumped into a teacher from
the local school. She said "Your brother's been masturbating in sex education
classes!"
I said "Is it such a big problem, for Christ's sake?"
She said "Yes! He asks his pupils to join in!"