Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 8
If women are so perfect at multitasking
How come they cannot have a Headache and Sex at the same time?
Two men approaching each other on the path.
Both are dragging their right foot, as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly points at his foot and says Falklands 82.
The other points behind and says, "Dog shit, twenty feet back."
Hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother stood for a moment, made sure she'd heard correctly. She marched in and told her son:
"We don't use that kind of language in this house, where on earth did you learn that? ! Now I want you to go to your room, stand in the corner and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom,
went through to the kitchen and apologised to his mother, and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. Please mind the gap between the train and the
platform edge. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your
trip was a pleasant one."
She smiles, and hears her little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother begins to chuckle to herself, the child adds: "For those of you who are f__ked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat cunt in the kitchen."
What do you usually look for in a good Bra?
A cracking pair of tits
Prince Charles makes a royal visit to Los Angeles. The mayor and other bigwigs are at the airport to greet him. The royal jet touches down and Charles gets out wearing the weirdest looking hat they've ever seen - it's made from a dead furry animal, with little legs hanging down at each corner and a tail in the back.
Everyone is too polite to mention the hat, so they welcome him to Los Angeles and give him a tour. That night there's a big reception at the mayor's house. Charlie is still wearing the hat. The wine flows freely, and eventually the mayor plucks up his courage and says: "By the way, your royal majesty, that's a very unusual hat."
Charlie replies: "Yes, it is rather fetching, isn't it. Last night one said to Mama, 'I say, Mummykins, one shall be visiting Los Angeles tomorrow, what should one wear?'
She replied: 'Los Angeles? Wear the fox hat.'"
One little sperm says to another little sperm as they are swimming along, "How long does it take to get to the ovaries?"
The other replies, " No idea, we've only just passed the tonsils"
I had a wank over my ex=girlfriend last night. I know it's wrong, but i still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I have to stop wanking.
When I asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!
Now the priest of a small farming community was known
to be a bit of a randy old dog and fond of seducing those of his parishioners
not averse to a bit.
One day he is taking a country stroll with the lady organist and on passing a
field with a haystack suggests that they climb it to get a better view.
It being a hot day they divest themselves of clothing and before long nature
takes it's course.
Unknown to them the farmer whose field it was was walking his best pair of bullocks through and notices the Reverends bare behind bouncing on top of the haystack, not of course realising to whom said arse belonged to.
"Get down off my haystack you dirty buggers, I knowse what you be doing up there you mucky sods and you ain't be doing it up there orst I'll get the law on thee".
"How dare you address me in such a way, I'll have you know I'm Pastor Jeffries"
"I don't care if you're past her ovaries gerroff my bloody haystack"
What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the f__k was that!?!" Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"
A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."
"That's not a record is it?"
"It is for a 10 year old."
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you stupid cunt."
A guy goes to the doctor and says: "I have this problem with my sex life".
The doctor asks: "Can you describe the problem?"
"Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blowjob from her before I leave for work'.
"Okay..." The doctor replies.
"I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea break."
"Right."
"Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep."
"Well, I don't see what the problem is..."
The guy says: "It hurts when I wank."
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colourful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
God called Jesus into see him.
"Jesus, have you found any work yet?"
"Yes I have Father," replied Jesus, "I have found two jobs, one on Jupiter that pays £15,000 a year, and one on earth that pays £25,000 a year...."
"So, where are you going to work then?" said God..
Jesus says, "I'm going to work on Jupiter, Father!"
"God says, "But you've been offered £25,000 on Earth, and you're going to take £15,000 to work on Jupiter?..
So please answer me why, my son?..."
"Well Father," says Jesus, "The last time I was on Earth, I was hammered with tax...."