Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 7
Things You Learn From Watching Porn
Women:
Wear high heels to bed.
Smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk
Enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men
Moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job
Always orgasm when men do
Are noisy fucks
Never have headaches.
Always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there
Double penetration makes them smileMen:
Are never impotent.
Always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
Always pull out.
Ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Don't have to begWhen going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her.
A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Asian men don't exist.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
There's a plot.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
Nurses suck patients cocks.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'
Assholes are clean.
When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
Pigtails = handlebars
Wife buys some crotchless knickers to spice up her marriage. Husband sits opposite her, and asks, 'have you got crotchless knickers on?', yes she replies. 'Thank f__k for that, I thought the sofa had burst'!
Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit,
then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went
back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Norman and his wife live up north. One winter morning, while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." , just then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
A loud unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her 2 kids in tow screaming obscenities at them.
The door greeter says 'Good Morning, welcome to Tesco. What lovely kids, are they twins?'
The fat, ugly woman replies 'Do they look like twins you stupid twat?'
The door greeter replies 'Absolutely not, I just cant believe that anyone would fuck you twice.'
A family are driving behind a bin wagon when suddenly a dildo flies out and hits the car windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young daughters innocence the woman says, 'golly gosh, that was a big insect!' to which the daughter replies, 'I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!'
A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious in a sentence.
Bob says, 'I got mumps and they were contagious'.
Katie says, 'My granny had a bug and it was contagious'.
Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the cuntagious'
Before I come to a decision on these divorce proceedings, does anyone wish to speak?" asked the Judge.
The lawyer for the husband stood up and replied,
"M'lud, may I just bring to your attention once
again,
that what my client did was out of chivalry.
Since when was it wrong to open a door for a lady?"
"I'm not disputing a chivalrous act," replied the
Judge,
" but I think you're overlooking the fact that the car
was travelling at 70 mph at the time."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy
with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He
said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my
legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out
An average man decides to buy a motorbike. As he's leaving the showroom with his new toy he gets talking to another biker.
He asked how old the bikers machine was, and how he managed to keep it so clean what with all the crap on the roads and the rain and the biker explained he used Vaseline on all the chrome. 'Just a thin layer and it's all protected he explained'
A few nights later he goes to his new girlfriends parents house for the first time. Before they enter the girl gives him a warning.
'There is only 1 rule in the house, we do not speak during dinner. The first to speak has to do the dishes' Thinking it was a little strange, the man agreed and entered the house. All around were dirty dishes, piled high in every room and on the stairs etc. Determined to keep his girlfriend happy he went along with the silence and began eating a hearty dinner.
After a while he decided to take advantage of the situation and gave his girlfriend a passionate kiss in front of her parents. Slightly flustered everyone smiled and continued in silence. Slightly perturbed the man slipped his hand up her top and fondled her breasts. Again, nothing but silence.
Wondering how far he could take this, the man pulled his girlfriend onto the table and began screwing her hard and fast amongst the food and her family. A few gasps were heard but no words were spoken. The man, after orgasm grabbed the girls mother and proceeded to screw her hard over the table. The girls father went red with fury but still no one spoke.
Sometime during the act the man looked out of the window and noticed it was clouding over, and looked like rain. Remembering the bikers advice he pulled out the Vaseline and made a move for the door.
He girls father took a step back from the table and said 'F__K THAT MATE!! I'LL DO THE BLOODY DISHES'
How many children with ADD (attention defecit disorder) does it take to change a lightbulb?
'Let's go ride our bikes!'
An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f__king Frenchmen to show it to"
Paddy runs into the pub shouting. 'Mick, a guy just broke into your car and drove away'!!
Mick says, 'did you see who it was??'
Paddy says, ' No, but i got the number plate'!!!!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these f__kers have lost the plot!!
How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your knob on the curtains
Now the divorce is settled has Heather Mills McCartney got a leg to stand on?
A journalist asked Paul if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul replied "She may be a bitch but please don't refer to her as 'one knee'"
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"
She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible. "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at night and find her legless"
Apparently, she's buying a plane with part of the divorce settlement...but she's still going to use Immac for the other leg.
She just couldn't wait to spend that money, could she?
What's the difference between Heather Mills & Northern Rock?
One is very unstable and screws pensioners out of their savings and the other....is a building society.