Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page 6
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks Dad, what's love juice?
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says so what have you been watching?
Billy says Wimbledon
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds ......................................... and Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you.
Three women sat in the antenatal clinic all knitting outfits for their expected babies. One woman goes into her bag and takes out some pills and swallowed one, the other women look at her and say "what's that you are taking, you have to be careful during pregnancy", "oh, don't worry" she replied, "it's only iron - good for the babies blood"
The next woman the says "that reminds me time to take my calcium tablet - good for the babies bones", "oh" the other two nod in agreement.
They all continue to furiously knit their little outfits when the third woman pops a pill "what's that" the other two ask, "it's thalidomide", the two women gasp and shriek "but that's really dangerous" to which she replies "I know, but I never could knit arms"
In a school in Leeds a teacher is talking to a class of pupils.
She tells the class 'everybody who supports Leeds United put up your hand!'. All but one of the pupils puts their hand up.
The teacher spots the remaining pupil and asks 'well then, who do you support?'.
The pupil, without hesitation, shouts 'Sheffield United!'.
'Why on earth do you support Sheffield United?', the teacher then asks.
The kid replies 'because my dad supports Sheffield United and so does my mum'.
The teacher then retorts 'Well what if your dad was a bast__d and your mum was a whore?'.
'Well, miss...', the pupil replies, 'then I'd support Leeds.'
Important News for Women on Sex and Health...
1. Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2. If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to the amount of protein in five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3. A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.
4. Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill.
5. Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6. Intercourse prevents divorce.
7. Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
8. Sex eliminates headaches.
9. Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10. Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday
At the local nursery, some of the mothers were talking about their kids names, one mother said, we named our kids after our hobby which is gardening, hence Rose and Lily.
Well we named our twins; another said, after my hobby of collecting jewels, here is Pearl and Ruby.
How interesting said another mother, I never realised but I am a big fan of cooking, especially with herbs, must be why I called mine Basil and Rosemary.
At this point one of the other mothers listening grabbed her kids, sneered at the other women and said, Dick, Fanny we know when we are not wanted.
Related to the previous entry
Some acquaintances named their first son "Rory" after Rory McGrath, and their second son "Jack" after the mother's grandfather. Only later was it pointed out to them that their sons are "Jack 'n Rory".
Apparently true
A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...
Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.
Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.
Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.
The next day...
Brunette: How's your throat?
Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese
business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards
away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting
to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama
Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese
turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
Man walks into a rough looking cafe in town, says to the owner I want a pint of piss and a shit sandwich. Without battering an eyelid the owner walks off and a few minutes later comes back with the order. The man devours it, pays and walks out.
This happens everyday for a week. On the final day the man comes in, asks for a pint of piss and a shit sandwich, just after he starts eating it he jumps up, begins vomiting and points at another guy shouting, uuurrrggghh he’s picking his nose.
When Britain was an Empire, She was ruled by an Emperor.
When Britain was a Kingdom, She was ruled by a King.
Now Britain is a country, She is ruled by Gordon Brown
A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand and his cock hanging out when he sees a policeman.
He points at his keys and says, Officer, somebody's stolen my car.
The policeman says, Where did you last see it?
The drunk says, On the end of this key?
The policeman notices that the drunks cock is hanging out and says, Sir, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
The drunk looks down and cries, Oh no, they got my girlfriend too!
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says: "Where have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
A policewoman arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
"Great idea," the drunk replies. "Tits!"
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun-dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Did you hear about the suicidal train spotter who threw himself under a steam train?
He was chuffed to bits.....
Valentines Flowers £30
Romantic meal and a film £100
Hotel room £200
The look on his face when you tell him you're on your period.....F__KING PRICELESS!
Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact.
Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'
The worlds ugliest tattoo.....
