Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page
5
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Why did God invent Thrush?
To teach women how to live with an irritating cunt before they get married.
Been feeling a bit down lately, so I phoned the Samaritans. They've changed a bit, I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was feeling suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Now you've all heard the story of Robin
Hood
and how he did the poor some good.
We'll I've got more to this famous story
so much more his fame and glory.
Because when at night when the robbing
was done
Robin and his men would have some fun.
As Friar Tuck frolicked in the grass
Robin rammed in straight up his ass
But one lovely summers day
a young fair maiden came their way
she walked straight up to Friar Tuck
and said hi I'm Marion want to fuck
Fryer Tuck couldn't believe his ears she
offering sex to us ere queers
but when they'd done she gave a wine thank you boys for such a lovely time
but for your pleasure you must pay
because i have the pox have a nice day
Hey listen here said Friar Tuck
we don't really give a fuck
because you've been had you silly cow
because we've got aids so who's fucked now.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, the guy said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said "No, but I've told a donkey to f__k off."
A ventriloquist holidaying Wales, comes
to a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch petting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "Good morning! Fine looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you idiot!"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: [Look of extreme shock]
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Pretty good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to
the lake once a week to play."
Villager: [Look of utter disbelief]
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I don't think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Fine"
Villager: [Absolutely dumbfounded]
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Very well thanks. He rides me regularly, plenty of oats, the odd apple,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: [Total look of amazement]
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "Yes I do!! That sheep's a f__king liar!"
A woman wakes from a coma and shouts "Help! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!".
"Well", says the doctor "There's good news and bad news...The good news is your legs are fine...The bad news is we've had to amputate both your arms."
A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthdays.
Rich man says, 'I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way, if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her BMW, and she'll still be happy'.
Poor man says, 'I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she don't like the slippers, she can go f__k herself'.!!
Young kid runs in to the kitchen, "Mum! Grandma's got a prawn"!
"what are you on about?" She asks him so he drags her into the front room where her mother is asleep slumped in an armchair legs apart forgotten to put her knickers on again, so all is on display.
Embarrassed Mother explains to her son that's not a prawn. To which he replies....."Tastes like prawn"
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in quite sometime. Afraid she might have something wrong with her she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "Okay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now," said Wang, "get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from me to the other side of room."
Having done that Dr. Wang said, "Okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me." Once again she obliged.
Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "Okay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease..... Worse case I ever see.... That why you not have dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass!"
I went in quite a rough bar with my mate the other night, it had spittoons and they were disgusting, full to the brim with saliva, green globby phlegm, bogies you name it. I looked at my mate and said 'I bet you cant drink that spittoon for £100'
My mate answered 'Hmmmm £100 ...OK.' He picked up the spittoon and started to drink. It was disgusting watching the green and yellow slimy snotty mess go in his mouth.
'Oh nooo!' I shouted in disgust 'Please stop or I'll be sick!' but he continued to suck down the phlegmy globules.
'Please please' I begged 'Stop here's the £100' which I threw down in front of him in desperation.
He silently continued until he'd drained the whole spittoon. When he put the bowl down I said to him 'Why didn't you stop when I said you could have the £100?'
He replied...'I couldn't, it was all in one string'
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "F__k off! You won't bring it back."
Jeremy Beadle's Funeral will be held
tomorrow...........a small finger Buffet will be available afterwards.
Jeremy Beadle managed to write his autobiography just in time before he died.
Thankfully he wrote it in short hand
Apparently they're going to televise his cremation, it'll be called "You've been Flamed"
I heard the Jeremy Beadles cock was huge, but on the other hand it was quite small.
Don't fuck a retard dwarf - it's not big and its not clever.
The Erectus Trouserius (also known as
the trouser snake) is the worlds most dangerous snake.
Colour varies from pink to black.
It is fangless, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on subspecies.
Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times.
Attacks women in lower part of the abdominal area.
Its highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting 9 months.
It has also been known to attack men from behind !!
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. A fter a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
They have discovered that beer contains female hormones, and this why you end up driving badly and talk crap
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"