Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page
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Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" T he woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Manoeuvre," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."
A Jamaican, A Mancunian and a Scouse are at the maternity Ward.
The Nurse comes out with a red face, I'm sorry but we
have mixed up the babies and we don't know whose is who's.
The Mancunian goes over to the Jamaican baby and proudly says hello son.
The Jamaican with a look of horror on his face "C'mon Man its obvious that baby
is mine!!!"
The Mancunian urns around "Look Buddy one of those other two babies is a Scouser,
and i ain't taking the chance"
***Breaking News***
A Cessna light aircraft has crashed in a cemetery just outside Dublin......
So far the emergency services have recovered 216 bodies....and are still digging.
There's a new web site for Muslim terrorists to get in touch with old friends, its called www.friends-re-ignited.com
A rather chauvinistic fellow slapped his wife's arse whilst saying "If you firmed this up you wouldn't need your Lycra girdle"
The following day he grabbed hold of her tits saying " If you firmed these up you wouldn't need your uplift bra".
The next day whilst he was in the shower she grabbed hold of his cock and and said " If you firmed this up I wouldn't need the window cleaner, the milkman and your brother-in-law.
At a meeting of ACPO (Association of Chief Police Officers), three Chief Constables were arguing about who had the bravest officers.
The guy from Manchester said "There's one of my lads, I'll show you courage." He orders him to go to Moss Side, clear out the Yardies, seize all the guns and clean up the drug problem.
The chap returns three hours later with a broken arm, a black eye, two bullet holes in his chest and his uniform slight mussed up.
"Done that, sir," he reports.
"That, gentlemen, is courage."
"Not bad," says the chap from Merseyside, "but you wait until you see my chap."
He calls a man over and orders him to carry out a similar task in Liverpool. In due course this poor guy returns in an even worse state.
"Done dat, sir," he replies with poor diction and a bad head cold.
"That, gentlemen, is courage.
"No. no. no." says the Chief Constable of Devon and Cornwall, there is one of my chaps. Let's see what he can do. He calls him over, "Awlroit my, handsome," says the D&C copper, "wot can Oi do for 'ee then?"
The chief says that he wants him to visit Diamond Lil's bar in Union Street, Plymouth (our beloved naughty area) and ask her, politely mind, why she has not paid her parking fine from three months ago.
The officer thinks for a while, "Piss Orf, on moi own. I should coco. Dats risky dat is."
"Now THAT, gentlemen is real courage."
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!" she storms.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance'" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pussy with Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella..."
The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a woman's fanny with vodka and drink it out with a straw.
Police are worried it will lead to an increase in Minge drinking
Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a
beer. After checking their pockets and finding only 50p, Bruce came up with a
brilliant idea. "I'll
take the 50p and show you how we can drink all day for free!"
He went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Joe's fly. They then went to a nearby bar.
"Two beers," said Bruce to the bartender. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joe's fly.
"Get out of my bar, you bastards!" the bartender screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.
"I just can't do this anymore," Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We'll have to swap places."
"We can't," said Joe. "We lost the sausage after the third bar."
Have you heard about the new service that British Airways are offering their business class passengers?
Apparently, they fly you directly to the car park.
Two Terrorists trying on rucksacks in a shop, one terrorist looks in the mirror whist wearing a rucksack, turns to his mate, and says.. 'Does my bomb look big in this'
"Won't you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
White husband in a delivery room is handed a black baby, 'is this yours?', asks the midwife. 'Probably', he replies, 'she f__king burns everything!
A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.
One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her lady bits.
The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.
After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.
"What happened?" demands a doctor...
"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked" comes the reply
What's the difference between a female jogger, and a sewing machine?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin!
An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this f__king church."
The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this f__king church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop's study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the f__king lottery and I want to join this f__king church to get rid of some of this f__king money. "
"I see," said the Bishop. "And is this cunt of a Rector giving you a hard time?"
In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynaecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynaecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynaecologist: "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."
"Mummy, Mummy! Can I wear a bra now that I'm 12?"
"No David."
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today , but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "
and late news just in......
A top British scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down & nipples from sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked his f__king head in!
What's the best thing about shagging twenty six year olds?
There are twenty of them.
Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.
Snow White says "there's no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land"
Tom Thumb says "there's no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land"
Quasimodo says "there's no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land"
Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror; the three head off a few minutes later. The door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says "its official; I'm the fairest in the land!" shortly afterwards. The door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts "its official; I'm the smallest in the land!". Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows "Who the fuck is Jade Goody!!"
I'm not a gynaecologist, but I'm happy to take a look!
There was a young vampire called Mable
who's periods were very unstable
so every full moon
with the help of a spoon
she drank herself under the table
A priest was out walking his parish when he noticed a small boy sitting on the step, crushing a flow of ants with his foot. As he ground the ants into the pavement, he kept yelling, "These goddam ants! These goddam ants!"
The priest went over to him and chided, "Little boy, God never put anything on Earth without a purpose."
"Sure He did," said the boy.
"And what would those be, my son?"
"Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
7. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
8. Your junior prom had a day-care.
9. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
11. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
12. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
13. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
14. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
16. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
17. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
18. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
19. If your neighbours think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
20. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
21. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
22. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.