Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour
if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10%
was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at
how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite
well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled
over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in
the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs on Santa's
lap.
Santa asks: "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies: "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says: "I thought Barbie comes
with Ken."
"No," said the little girl "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his hair
cut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
muffin."
"I know" she replies "I'm gonna get t*ts too."
-----
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships
from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
----
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. I've had s*x with Fannie Green every week
for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since
my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last
two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a
gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down in front of the pulpit.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes".
Jade Goody has been attacked at home by an intruder with a large knife. Police have arrested Shilpa's mother ...........ma Shetty.
"We all make mistakes" said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin
A few years ago, Elizabeth Taylor went to see her plastic surgeon, & said “I think I need my lips tightening”.
He looks at her, & assures her that her lips are perfect.
“No, no, not those lips” she says, “the ones down below”
After examining her, the plastic surgeon agrees that her lips could indeed do with a bit of tightening.
”There’s one condition” she adds – “No one else must know”.
When she wakes up from the anaesthetic, she’s horrified to see three get-well cards on her bedside table, so she summons the plastic surgeon. “I told you that I wanted this done in the strictest confidence” she said “no-one else was to know!”
“Well” said the plastic surgeon, “I sent you a card, the anaesthetist had to know, & he sent you a card, & because we didn’t want to waste anything, there’s a card from Nikki Lauda, just to say thank you for the new ears….”
Why do cows always look bored when being milked?
If someone woke you up at 4am rubbed your tits for 2 hours and didn't f__k** you you would be pissed off too!
Got the wife new bag and belt for valentines ...............
The f__king Hoover works a treat now!
A flight attendant asks the priest if he would like a drink, he replies in disgust "Id rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
Paddy hands his drink back and says "Me to I didn't know we had a choice"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my granddad
Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus
An agressive looking skinhead walks into a rough pub and asks the barman for 12 gin and tonics, all with ice and twist of lemon. The bar man is slightly surprised, not associating such a drink with someone of the skinhead's appearance, but cheerfully starts getting the drinks, with the usual small talk.
Barman: "So, is this an occasion of some kind sir?"
Skinhead:"I just had my first blow-job."
Barman: "Oh! A celebration then."
Skinhead: "No, not really. I just want to get the taste out my mouth."
Mating call of a Cookoo "Cookoo Cookoo"
Mating call of an owl "Twit Twoo Twit Twoo"
Mating call of a blackbird "Go on Leroy bang it up me dirt box"
100 years ago 20 white men chasing a black man was called the ku klux clan.
Now its called formula one
Harry potter stories are so far fetched .I mean i can buy the fact magic exists ,maybe even unicorns, but have you ever seen a ginger kid with two mates
Two female porn stars are out on the town, the first one is amazed at the amount of drink her friend is putting away, then she gets up and heads for the loo, on her return her friend watches her walk towards her without the slightest effect of the drink, she looks at her and says "How do you hold your liquor" her friend replies "Normally by the ears"
A man had heard stories of a prostitute who could give blow jobs and whistle at the same time...being unable to believe it until he saw it for himself he visited the brothel where she worked and ordered "the special"
The mistress showed him into a darkened room and she began...and lo and behold she was whistling and sucking at the same time.
Once she had finished he offered her £100 to tell him
her secret "£100, I'd never sell my secrets for so little" she
answered...eventually she agrees to tell him for £1000...he hands over the money
and she tells him to turn on the light.
He flicks the switch and turns around to see her glass eye on the table.
3 condoms, a blue one, a red one and a yellow one.
Which one says "Hello" to you first?
None.... They're all stuck up cunts!
I bought my missus a brand new chair for her birthday.....Now I'm looking for a suitable socket to plug the bugger into!
Man walks into a bar looking depressed and orders a drink.
Barman asks him what a matter, and he tells him that he has just split up from his wife.
That's funny says the barman, that woman over there has just split up with her husband. The man walks over to the woman and introduces himself and they start to talk.
"I have just split up with my wife because she says I'm too kinky" he says.
"That's a coincidence", she says, "I have just split up with my husband because he said I was too kinky."
They have several more drinks and then the woman invites him back to her apartment for some "fun".
"Make yourself a drink whilst I slip into something more comfortable" she says.
She pops into the bedroom and puts on a pair of thigh length leather boots, a pair of crotchless knickers, a peek-a-boo bra, and a gas mask.
She then picks up her favourite bull whip and a 12 inch black life-like dildo and goes back into the living room, just as the man is walking out the door.
"Where are you off to she says. I thought you wanted to get kinky?"
"I've just shagged your dog and had a shit in your handbag and if that is not kinky, I don't know what is" he exclaims.
Rather carelessly, a woman falls over the edge from the top of a 25 story building. Luckily a man standing on the balcony of the 22nd floor catches her, and asks "Do you shag?"
"No!" she replies shocked at his question, and he dropped her.
Fortunately a man standing on the balcony of the 18th floor catches her, and asks "Do you swallow?"
"NO!" she replies even more shocked than she had been before, and he dropped her.
As she plummeted towards the ground she regretted her hasty replies, and as luck would have it, she was caught by a man standing on the balcony of the 12th floor. "I shag and I swallow!" she exclaimed.
"Slut!" said the man, . . . . . and he dropped her.
A farmer is walking his land and comes across a very cold little bird. The ground is frozen solid and the farmer can only think of one thing to do to help it. He drops it into a fresh cow pat. After a few minutes in the cow pat the bird starts to warm up and as he feels better he starts to sing.
Attracted by the singing a passing cat stalks up on the bird, catches and eats it. Presumably after wiping it off!
Which goes to show;
It is not only your enemies who get you into the shit.
It is not only your friends who get you out of the shit.
When you are in the shit, keep your mouth shut about it!
Cowboy Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, shoulda bought a hat"
They caught the drive-in suicide bomber offender, his name is singhed mejeep
So..... you think you're having a bad day..??....... Read on :-
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.
Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.
As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry, and knocks on the door.......The driver lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The lorry driver ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the lorry driver lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly......."Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" shaking his head, the lorry driver ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the cab door. The lorry driver lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the lorry revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the lorry, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f__king gritter!"