Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page
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A no-good husband had been laying out, drinking and chasing women, then came home about 3am. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up with a plan...he'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral sex on the wife. THAT always made her happy. Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom, slipped quietly over to the bed and did the oral sex. She sleepily moaned and groaned, so he knew everything was ok.
Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his
teeth. When he flipped on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wife
sitting on the toilet!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" He yells! "shhhh", she whispered..."you'll wake
Mother!"
Children's books you'll never see:
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop Goes the Hamster... and Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Wombles meet the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape from a
burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for
them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! the firemen
yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh No! you're
gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't
stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! the
firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a
pancake.
Finally the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again the firemen yell "Jump!
You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the
Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
the firemen replied.
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not
gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down,
now - back away from it...."
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by a car. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyphink is justa blur, I can't see a phing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
Oh my God NAAA!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down an all!!!"
Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples
for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in
the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What does a dyslexic devil worshiper do on
weekends?
A. He worships Santa.
Q: What is the best thing to say to an Arts student
with a job?
A: "Big Mac and large fries please!".
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a
redneck dies?
A: "Hey y'all... Watch this!"
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out the gent's?
A: Say, "Nice Dick."
Q: What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur
A: Lickalotapus
Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring
Guts or Balls
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
A man walks in to the pub with an Ostrich and a Cat, they sit down and the man goes to the bar an orders 3 pints of larger. Half an hour later the Ostrich goes to the bar and orders the drinks. This goes on for the next three rounds with the Ostrich and the man buying the bears.
The next time the man goes to get the round the barman asks him “why is it only you and the Ostrich buying the drinks?” Well the man explains a few days ago I found a lamp in the beach and just for luck I rubbed it. To my surprise a Jeannie came out and said I had three wishes.
Well my first wish was to have lots of money, My second wish was for a long & healthy life, the bar man asks the man in anticipation well what was your third & last wish?..……..Well that’s where I cocked up totally the man laments…….I asked him for a big Bird with a tight Pussy
What do policemen and Eskimos have in common?
They both have blue helmets
The next time you find yourself on public transport or an aircraft, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your rucksack, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and click this link
I NEED A FAVOUR.
I'm in the police station they've charged me with being the ugliest person in Britain. Can you come down and show them they've made a mistake!
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is. He says he'll give them a clue. "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams "DON'T EAT IT! DON'T EAT IT! IT'S A F__KING A*%RHOLE!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his Priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to
see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who
was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to
you, that's the same as putting it in!"
----
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
------
Ed, was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife Sandi was
sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep
again.
Sandi had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and Ed said, "You're cute."
Sandi was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
Ed replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father,
my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal
in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me
the dog was Catholic?
-----
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Ed: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Ed: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Ed: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Ed: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
------
Sandi was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control
company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when Ed arrived home
unexpectedly.
"Quick," said Sandi to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the
closet, stark naked.
Ed, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the
man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" Ed asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked Ed.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"