Bad taste jokes & related dits - Page
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What does a 9-volt battery and a women's a*%ehole have in common?
You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help touching them with your tongue!
A man goes to the doctors for a cock extension. The doctor suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for 3 grand, the man agrees. Six weeks later while having dinner with a new woman he feels a unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this could be my night. While chatting over dinner his penis flies out an grabs a bun off the table and goes back. Wow she says can you do that again. He says my cock can but i don't think my arse can take another bun.
One ovary said to the other "did you order any furniture?" The other ovary said "no why." Well there are two nuts outside trying to push an organ in.
Teacher to class; what does your dad do at weekends?
Oliver: He's a gay dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the the money is right, he lets a punter bang his a*** and come in his mouth.
Teacher pulling him to one side, is that true?
No miss, the truth is he goes to watch West Ham but i was to embarrassed to say.
What does it mean when a guy is lying in bed, gasping and shouting your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What does the tax man have in common with a duck ?
They can both stick their bill up their a***.
An old man and a little boy are walking into the woods one evening.
The little boy says, "It is getting dark and spooky, I'm scared."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared. I've got to go back on my own."
Myra Hindley walking across the moors with a young boy.
Boy says, 'its scary up here isn't it'.
Hindley replies, 'Don't say that, I have to walk back on my own'!
23 people have been found glued to the walls and ceiling of a train station in Dublin.
Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first No More Nails bomb
A man calls in to work to speak to his Boss.
"I can't come in to work today coz I'm sick'"
"Exactly how sick are you?" asks his Boss.
"Well" he replies, "I'm in bed with my Sister!"
What's the difference between a mosquito and an Essex girl?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
What have a court case and oral sex got in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit
Ever wondered why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?
A = absent
B = barely visible
C = come in useful
D = damn good
E = enormous
F = fantastic
FF = f***ing fantastic
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
When he arrived in the attendants' ladies' room, he found four marked buttons, next to the paper rolls:
WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to women, he disregarded what the flight attendant said, as his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.
He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice! So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
Ahhh, he thought, No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the plane's ladies' room.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "£750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bi*ch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bi*ch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you
know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a
son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BI*CH!!!"
There was a mother, father, and son walking in the park one day. the mother and father were having a conversation. While they were all walking the child sees a boy and a girl making out. The boy asks his parents "Hey, what are they doing?, they tell him, "Oh, they're just making a cake" (anything just to shut him up and continue their conversation)
Later on in the day, while watching soul train, he sees a couple dancing and grinding up on each other, he asks his parents again, what the couple was doing, and again they tell him "They're just making a cake"
Then late at night, the child wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, he opens his door and he sees his pops fucking the shit out of his mom on the couch; the child was pretty startled from what he saw, so he just went back to his room and back to sleep.
The next morning during breakfast, the child says, "Hey, i saw u guys making cake yesterday", the mother asks the child, "What do you mean, how do you know??", and the child says "Coz i licked the frosting off the sofa."
GOVERNMENT ADVICE ;
"ITS WINTER TIME SO PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOUR NEIGHBOURS IN THE COLD WEATHER "
Well my neighbour is an 87 year old woman and not once has she come round to check if I'm all right .the lazy bitch hasn't even taken in her milk for two weeks.
There one was two sausages in a saucepan.
One of the sausages says to the other one, "Bloody hell, it getting hot on here". The other sausage replies "fuck, a talking sausage"
A little boy walks in on his mum and dad having sex; the little boy says mummy what are you doing on top on daddy?
The mum replies I'm flatting daddy's tummy!
The little boy replies well what's the point the lady next door just comes back and blows him up again!
My wife doesn't like the old car i bought her she wants something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds .
So i bought her a set of bathroom scales
After great sex my Thai girlfriend lies there stroking my penis. I ask do you want more sex?
"No" she replies "I'm just admiring your cock i really miss mine".
Two Essex girls on a shopping trip to London go into Harrods, walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Chardonnay sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Chantelle?”
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi."
“Viens a moi? what the bleedin’ hell does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".
Chardonnay takes another sniff and offers her arm to Chantelle saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you, Chantelle?”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea .... let's pretend we're married"
"Why not", giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"